5 Things Chicago is Colder Than

My soul.

My soul.

It's damn hell cold in Chicago this morning. I mean, it's January cold out there, which means January will feel like February, and February will feel like ice planet Hoth. It's not a good day to be a Chicagoan. If you woke up in warmer climes, then just to give you an idea of just how freezing cold it is, here are five things that Chicago is colder than:

  1. Chicago is colder than a well digger's toes.
    Unless, of course, he's wearing a sensible pair of SmartWool socks. Those socks don't play.

  2. Chicago is colder than a witch's teat.
    I'm the first to admit, this seems unfair to witches. I included it because of its relative prevalence in our vernacular, but maybe as a society we should move away from witch-related slander. Also, what's with all the exposed body part analogies? And given their historic popularity, how on Earth did Puritans describe how cold something was? 

  3. Chicago is colder than Rick's decision to put Ilsa on that plane with Victor Laszlo.
    Look, I know he did it so Victor could go be better at fighting Nazis, and that's all well and good. But damn, Rick. What about love?

  4. Chicago is colder than the Academy's 2014 snub of Emma Thompson.
    Go home, Academy, you're drunk! Thompson was a revelation as Mary Poppins author P .L. Travers in Saving Mr. Banks. Do you hear me, AMPAS? A revelation!!!

  5. Chicago is colder than the playground rejection of my first grade crush.
    Oh, what, Chrissy, you think you're better than me because you wore Garanimals and I wore OshKosh B'gosh?! THE PAIN IS STILL REAL!

Yes, friends, these things are all cold, but they're not nearly as cold as Chicago this morning. I hope you enjoyed this post. Join me next time, when we'll discuss the concerning problem of being plagued by the public humiliation of a Garanaimals-wearing seven-year-old, even after 24 years.


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Clayton Smith3 Comments